How bad was it?
Back in 1999, I was arrested in Athens, Georgia. The crime I was so rightfully charged with was Public Intoxication. In a city built around the University of Georgia, this was quite a feat. On regular days you could purchase a beer from a bar and just walk down the street with it, as long as you stayed on the sidewalk and within painted walkways. And on those infamous “game days” it was everything you’d seen in those beef-upped crazy frat party movies. People were legit buck naked, painted in red body paint and slip n‘sliding down the street. And I got arrested for public intoxication.
How bad was it?
It involved a stolen Insane Clown Posse VCR tape, a Spider-Man-esque leap down from a second story balcony that landed right in front of a police car, attempted breaking and entering, and as they were trying real, real hard to get me to come to my senses and not arrest me…whatever belligerently cussing out several police officers falls under.
How bad was it?
I relate this story sometimes. I compare it to Dave Mustaine being kicked out of Metallica or Steven Adler being fired from Guns N’Roses for their drug use. Like DAMN, dude. When the dirt tells you that you’re dirty…wow.
Of course, I didn’t get sober for over another 6 years, so the depth of this event didn’t register immediately. In fact, there were another 5 or so arrests after this one. I’d seriously have to sit down with a timeline and count, I am just basing that number off the top of my head from addresses I can remember.
So again, how bad was it?
I wasn’t ready to admit it was bad. Even though I couldn’t escape trouble for more than a 6-8 month span, it was always in my denyingly rationalizing thought process that the crimes really weren’t that big of a deal. I would be in a holding cell, in a court room, in a recovery group, in a legally assigned program…with people that had committed way worse crimes than me and had screwed up their lives way worse than I had. So I told myself.
How bad was it?
Bad enough that I couldn’t, or wouldn’t allow myself to, see how bad it was.
I was exactly where the grips of addiction and alcoholism wanted me. In a self-righteous, can’t-do-wrong mindset that based my status on those around me that I, and only I, decided were worse than me.
How bad was it?
The absolute worse.
As bad as it could get for me.
But I was judging and living by the standards I had set…and that included a sliding scale of those around me. As long as I could say I was ok and doing better than others, then it wasn’t so bad.
But I knew it was.
I saw a clip from a podcast recently, the identities of the host and guest aren’t important. It’s just funny how the social media algorithm works and how this clip came to my timeline. The guest was a sober person and was sharing some of the insane stories of things he would do and put himself and others through. The host, a noted partier who I don’t think meant any harm, replied with something along the lines of “I hear you tell these stories and I know I don’t have a problem.” Just an absolute dangerous philosophy. It’s a thought process that could never allow healing and ultimately kill you.
You’ve let yourself down, hurt yourself, hurt others, lost life moments, committed crimes, betrayed friends and cheated death…but because you didn’t do what this nut-job did, you’re doing pretty good. Right…? Right…?!!
Pretty much until you are in a casket or have to live out the rest of your days knowing you killed someone else, you will always find someone worse than you.
How bad was it? How bad IS it?
It’s bad enough FOR YOU.
Not you roommate. Not your cellmate. Not the guest on your podcast. Not the fictitious television character, not the comedian that embellishes the truth and has the money to afford the trouble and the lawyers that you don’t. Not the person in rehab that never had as much as you but somehow lost way more than you.
Your personal inventory. It’s about your suffering, your moral bankruptcy. No one else. Don’t delay your health, your recovery, reaching your optimal YOU because it doesn’t seem that bad.
How bad was it?
When you know, you know. It’s a secret you finally tell yourself and even if you never say it out loud, it can never be taken back.
“I can’t do this anymore”
“This is too much”
“I’ve got to turn my life around”
When you get to THAT point, it’s as bad as it needs to be. And there is a way out. Focusing on yourself and seeking help.
How bad was it?
Exactly as bad as I needed it to be.