Sober Holidays?
You don’t jump into a pool of piranhas if you’re bleeding.
And there you have it. How to get through the holidays. Your birthdays, the Tuesdays, the paydays, all the other days and especially days when you’re visiting an aquarium because no one wants to see that.
“How do you get through the holidays?”
Like a lot of the questions asked in sobriety, hell in life for that matter, the answer is simple.
Not necessarily easy, but simple.
And that’s disappointing for a lot of the question-askers. There are no grand secrets we keep. No magical spells. No edible candy that takes you away to LaLa Land. Well, honestly there are. But I think that’s called “California Sober” and that’s not the method that works for me. If it works for you then I am 100% happy for you. But that isn’t what this blog or UnLoaded is about.
The simple answer of how you make it through the holidaze is this…BE PREPARED. Know your weaknesses, know your triggers. We know the exact dates of these days; last Thursday in November, December 24th & 25th…but we don’t know the exact date and time of when IT might hit us. That’s why the life preservers hang all around the pool even when no one is drowning.
Your triggers…you like isolation and hate crowds? You like crowds and hate isolation? Plan accordingly. SAY SOMETHING. No family? Reach out to friends, let them know you need to be included. Friends understand, friends have room at their tables. That’s the beauty of having friends now based on merit and character. But you have to speak up.
Try to avoid triggers but be prepared to encounter them. Especially the voices … hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey … our brain is our own worse enemy at times. So stay out of it. Get into someone else’s.
Put yourself in a situation where you will be successful. Surround yourself with the comfort you need to survive. Do not put yourself into any environment of compromise because it is easy, because you don’t want to bother someone or hurt their feelings. Most of the time people…and I mean good people that care about you…will understand. The fear we have of disappointing someone more times than not is actually our very own devilish addiction. And it is whispering doubt into our ears to get us in a place we shouldn’t be.
Self-preservation is more important than missing a stupid social engagement.
Preparation also necessitates having an exit strategy. Know how you will be leaving before you even get there. Again, this is for holiday events as well as it is daily activity. Have a plan and have a back-up plan. This is my plan with everything happening good ol’ hunky-dory and this is my oh sh*t I gotta go now plan. Plan for every scenario. This might be tedious at first but eventually it becomes second nature. We might desire peace but we must plan for war. I love these little quotes. Better to be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in a war. Better to have it and not need it then to need it and not have it. That spare tire taking up your car’s trunk space? Trust me, you’re better off with it in there.
I was about 7 years sober…hold on here’s some math. Sobriety date 9/29/2005…this event I’m speaking about here was on 7/22/2112…so 2,478 days…so I was 6 years and 288 days sober and a group of my friends were all getting together for a concert. I was/am the only sober one of this group. It happens people, it’s mind-blowing I know. But the plan was to meet at a local hotel and a party bus had been rented for everyone to ride to the show in.
Nope. Not for me.
I told my people, plain and simple. I’ll meet you all at the hotel, I have no problem hanging out. But when we go to the show, I’m driving my car. I’ll even park beside the party bus in the parking lot, but I want to have my car. I want to be able to leave when I want to leave. And you know what…they were perfectly cool with that. It did not take anything away from their fun and took nothing from mine. But I knew, even at 2,478 days sober, I had no business on that bus and no business being completely dependent on that bus for transportation.
I did actually got on the bus for a minute. I mean you HAVE to check out the pole and dance floor, right? And the driver was a very nice, friendly soul that has a source of income driving parties around. But none of that fit my preparation.
BE HONEST. Tell people no. Tell people yes. If invited, don’t do the “I don’t want to bother you”…they wouldn’t have invited you if it is a bother. Do not got anywhere when you’re not feeling it. You might not be spiritually fit; our gut instinct in recovery should be trusted. Hence the blood in the piranha header…if you ain’t equipped, if you ain’t strong, if you know/feel it isn’t good…then don’t do it. Ask someone else that has gone through the same thing. Seek shelter with people you trust. A lot of holiday traditions might be from your old life…you have to take care of who you want to be now.
Chances are the peace of sobriety was not found alone. Engage with people that have shared that journey with you. We’re all broken. We’re all scared and nervous. We all need a hug, a pat on the back, a hand to pull us along. Surround yourself with the people that are going to do that for you. Chances are you might be the person someone else needs. That’s the beauty of this thing. Recovery. Life. All in this together.
How do you get throng the holidaze? The same way we get through everyday.
Think.
Trust.
Ask.
Do.
Have a plan.
Foresee problems.
Expect the unexpected.
Have an exit strategy.
Reach out.
Be reachable.
STAY THE F##K OUT OF YOUR HEAD. Your self-will, your depression, your ego, your past, the handling of your trauma got you here. Step away from this. Make new memories. Be in the NOW. Be there for others. I jump at the opportunity to throw in a “put your shopping cart back” quip here because in these stressful moments it is more impotent than ever to do the right thing.
Do the right thing.
For YOURSELF.
Do what is right for YOU.
No huge secret. Stick to your program. Stick to your plan. Don’t be afraid to hurt someone else’s feelings if it means saving your life.
And that’s how you make it through the holidays.